Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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