all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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