ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
