Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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