I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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