I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
me + whiskey = a bad person
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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