I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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