wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
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He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
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dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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