i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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