My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
They have beer where we have blood.
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