I wish you could order shots online.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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