Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
