My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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