I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
