Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
