Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
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don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
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During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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