Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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