hotel room ftw
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
