she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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