Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
