I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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