peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
they need to just BURY HIM!
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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