Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Houston, we have a blender
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
