eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize