I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.