Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
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He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
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In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart