my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.