I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
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He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
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Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now