i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
