mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
