Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize