happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
