You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Randomize
