Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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