just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
this must be what syphilis tastes like
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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