Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
