Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
only if we run a train.
done.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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