remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
ttyl tear gas
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
