He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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