Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
