Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Operation Purity has been aborted
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.