I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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