her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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