Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
