I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm at about main and main street
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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