I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
