whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
