Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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