Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
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You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
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Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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