I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
