I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
