me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
