I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
