I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
