if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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